A Sponsor; Searching the Lost Manhood

Sponsors

In Kenya, the word sponsor has different meanings, these meanings are derived from the environment they are spoken and who is speaking. In corporate world, it means something different from the meaning in the parliament where a legislature sponsors a bill. Among single people it has a differently meaning. Make no mistake to speak of sponsorship among young adult Kenyans; it will derive a different meaning altogether. Sponsors among the teenagers and those below 30 years of age will tell you categorically that it means the rich middle aged or senile men who sleep with the young girls and ladies in exchange they sustain them. Reference is mostly made to the married and divorcees; however the senile have dominated the category lately.

A majority of average Kenyan male teenagers or those below 35 years of age are struggling to be in a relationship with women their ages or younger. He alleges that if she is in the relationship, she may either be half way in; you may just be a cover up or may be a top up/make up of what the sponsor couldn’t. Even when the sponsor leaves her, the male is in trouble for the stakes are raised, he is pushed to be what his time has not allowed him to be.

The most interesting thing is that we are driven to accommodate the old folks into our niche. They have accepted the reality and of late it is common to have a sponsor. The male is accepting the reality but I am not accepting it. What is the possible root of the problem?

You better buckle up; it is going to be bumpy!

In order that we move together towards the point where we get to discuss the genesis of these sponsors and why they have infested our streets with BMWs, we need to understand the possible reason behind these old timers and divorcees exodus from their matrimonial beds.

AS IT WAS

A relationship of interdependence

There is a difference between being a male and being a man. A male is the biological fact while manhood is achieved when a male develops and invests in himself in the environment he occupies.  So when you have something dangling between your thighs and you have a flat chest; clean or bushy, you are a male it however does not guarantee you are a man because, a man is defined by development physiologically and investment in himself among others through;  knowledge, experience and teachings.

Our forefathers didn’t have a problem being men. Their roles made them men; he went hunting for food some of which were very dangerous. He took risks for the family but he didn’t care because he was the provider and fear was not going to be a barrier to his role. He thereafter was appreciated and respected by the wife and was revered by the children. He built the house and protected his family. On the other hand the woman ensured that the house was a home, the kill was a meal and the children were taken good care of.The woman knew afterwards what the man needed. No discussions, no foreplay, no romance, straight away he needed sex and sleep. The next day, the cycle came.

In a nutshell, the man and the woman needed each other, she appreciated the role of the man and the man appreciated the role of the woman. They were perfect partners; one could not do without the other. The man couldn’t do what the woman could and the woman could not what the man could. The man who did not abdicate his role was termed as a real man and the woman who stuck by her role was referred to as a wise woman. This was the historical state of family. It was a sweet niche of interdependence.  

A majority of these hovering sponsors are the age of my father, so I will refer to them as our fathers in this segment.

Historically, the male learnt how to be a man by the roles his father (our forefathers) occupied. He was raised knowing that he is supposed to be the bread-winner, the protector of the family, the builder of the house, the leader and the head of the home.

AS IT IS 

A relationship of Independence

 She has house, she has millions in her bank account, provides for her kids and has a contracted security company e.g. Lavington security. Just for the sake of this article look at Theresa May, Condoleezza Rice, Ann Waiguru; why would any need a man?
There, our fathers were caught between a rock and a hard place. Everything that made our fathers men was cancelled, thanks to effects of industrial revolution and civilization. Man was frustrated because what makes him a man was cancelled. Our fathers did not know if women wanted them anymore. He no longer was relevant and felt useless as a result man became angry because she is so independent that he is a luxury in her life.

“Be a Man!”

She provides for the man, the man lives in her house, he is driving her car; he is protected by bodyguards and Lavington security.  What else is there for the man to do? Then one day she tells you to suck it up and BE A MAN! How is the man supposed to be A MAN! He is confused. His roles which make him a man have all been cancelled by the woman. She no longer wants the man to pay the bills when out on dates; she will foot the bill because she earns more than the man. You see how difficult it was and it is for our fathers to be men?  

So when she told you father to be a man, your father did not know how! All he has left is his strength (the lucky ones whose wives didn’t take self-defense classes). So when she insisted, “Be a man!” he showed her how to be one by battering her hence domestic violence.  Most men involved in assaulting their wives don’t know why they do it because they don’t know how to be men anymore yet she is demanding him to be a man. This is not an excuse for assaulting a woman!

Romance and Love Making a Criterion of Being a Man?

“For the first time in recorded history we look to each other primarily for love and romance and not for survival” ~Myles Munroe.

Love was not as a requirement for our forefathers. Their marriages were purely based on partnership and survival. They complemented each other and supported one another. What she lacked, she made up in the man’s weakness. They didn’t rely on affection, romance and communication or foreplay, no. After all, theirs was more of a quickie in repeated succession. The art of having sex and Kamasutra was not a requirement. The size of the penises didn’t make her stay or leave neither was the physical appearance. They were partners who were in constant state of interdependence. Our fathers were taught to be like their fathers, to live like their fathers and function like them.

The woman she married who has everything wants her to be a man. He does not know how to be one. He is confused; the woman shows her how to be a man. She tells him that she wants to be sexed in a certain way, she wants to visit cloud nine and groan and scream and jibber-jabber in the sheets, “yatta- yatta!”

Well, your father doesn’t know how this was supposed to happen. He was not trained for this. During the initiation practice his tool was sharpened but he was not told which corners of a woman to explore or which buttons to press. He was told, “You are now a man”- by virtue of the initiation and “Ye go forth, produce and fill your household with your miniatures”. He was never told to go make her groan, scream and make her sweat, no. The society has changed; it changed without giving notice to our fathers.

Romance and love has become the measure with which his manhood is determined. Initially with their fathers, it wasn’t a requirement not even in the remotest sense of it.  The bond between their father and their mother was built on foundation of partnership. Things have changed without notice. He doesn’t know how to make himself a man anymore.

Forefathers looked at each other for survival and partnership, a state of interdependence. Now, she is looking for a man to give her something that he is not trained to give- love and romance. Happiness, intimacy and lasting passion is the requirement for current marriages and this is tough for the man. They are leading every aspect of the home diminishing the effect of the man in their own homes.  This has eroded the traditional values of men.

Genesis of Sponsors

The current man is working harder than his father yet he cannot feel the pride of being “the man”, the provider, the protector. He feels underpaid compared to the wife. He is not appreciated; he is not recognized anymore as the head of the family. His contribution is not hefty. He is dealing with the toll of career woman; she is competing with him in everything. The children know she took them out and not the father. The children know who is more gifting than the other and who provides and pays the bills.

Male is defined by two things.One, by identity of roles he used to perform in the society.Two, by his manhood going by the roles he performed historically. If the identity and the values in the roles are lost; the loss of the roles has lost the identity of the man in the marriage and his self-worth for when the appreciation and recognition of a man falls, the respect goes with it. This man is broken and he is malfunctioning!  

The man is in need of recognition, appreciation and respect; he will scavenge from any Tom, Dick and Harry willing to massage his long lost ego. Among many places he will visit, the brothels will be top of his list. In here he will meet a woman more beautiful than his wife peddling more attractive wears and skilled at her trade. She will be willing to show him that he is THE MAN! She will let him dominate her call him “daddy”, replacing his kids; he will ask her who's the boss and he will get the answer he has not been told in decades-“you are the boss”, replacing the wife.later she will be down for whatever the man tells her. The man afterwards feels like the inner lion was back. He will not be willing to let the lion be a cat in the presence of the woman at home.

Roles Restored in a Forbidden Territory

He will be a man not only to the prostitute but also to the “fresh”, young, naïve college girl or that young undecided lady. It is not that they are doing something differently; no they unknowingly restore the man’s roles. To her or them, he will be the provider, the protector, the head and the source of security. He finds pleasure again to be asked to open the car door for her, to pull the chair, to pay for the bills and to just come sleep with her without a lot of demands. In her bosom, he will be told how great he is, how much of a real man she is lucky to find. Lies or not, it is the antidote he was looking for.

He doesn’t want to go home because out there is home away from home. He doesn’t want to go to the contemptuous eyes of the children. She no longer cares whether he sleeps out or not. She has an expensive dildo bigger than the man. Even when he comes she won’t be satisfied, it’s vanity to have him around.

Today the women our fathers ended up marrying required more than their mothers required. Man is left with one question that he doesn’t know how to answer: “How do I make this woman happy?” They can’t seem to find the answer so they seek solace in the young ones who make them kings they never are at home. They teach them moves the 70s, 80s and early 90s never taught them. They are showed the King sized Kung Fu, they in return provide the King sized bed and the comfort that comes with it. And you wonder why he has a young family he never told you about. You hate on that father that was never there for your first graduation, please ask the woman!

Conclusion

A man does not get his identity from his wife or from what she says he is or from his job or what the lady of the night tells him. That’s why the man is suffering and won’t stop cheating with other women and ‘sponsoring’ the society. The suffering won’t stop as long as; he is asking a woman to make him a man, salary to make him a man, house to make him a man, level of education to make him a man. A man is a man because he is a man.

Anyone’s opinion does not change the purpose and identity of a thing. He is a man. His manhood is not tied to the social commentary. It doesn’t matter how much she makes, the man is still the head of the house.  The value of a man is found in his purpose and not in a woman, football, salary, education, muscles and movies. A man is still a man whether broke or a millionaire.

A real man needs a woman to prove he is a man and not to be a man. So stop sponsoring other women. Go back home and show the woman WHO IS THE MAN.  If you won’t show her by being one, soon or later even those you are sponsoring will finally get to be independent and the cycle you ran away from will come back to haunt you.

Inspired by Myles Munroe’s Book: “Understanding the purpose of Male Man”